Journaling To Craft Skillful Responses

In our article on Journaling For Self-Awareness we focused on keeping our side of the street clean via an honest self-assessment and expressing gratitude to right-size ourselves and avoid the seeming endless cycle of always “wanting”. The other value of daily reflection is looking outside ourselves at the world around us. Webster’s defines Self′-actualiza′tion n. , as, the achievement of one's full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world. Much of life and our interaction with, and our responses to, “the real world” around us...primarily other people. It often seems like someone is always telling us what to do, impose their will or manipulate us. Parents, teachers, bossy bosses, partners, no matter where we are in life, it can be exhausting...if we allow it to be. Most often society's demands and another person’s needs have little to do with us personally. Back to “wanting” - they all want something, sometimes it’s a bigger slice of the pie, sometimes it’s respect or to elevate their ego via power and prestige. Many people are not even aware they are doing this. They would behave in the same weather it’s with you or someone else. It’s really not a personal affront, although we regularly take personal offence. Therein lies the struggle. Perhaps if more people would take time each day to honestly self-assess and reflect, there wouldn’t be so much animosity towards each other. Before we get carried away attempting to psychoanalyze others, let’s be pragmatic so as to not be consumed with tdrama that really doesn’t belong to us. There is a saying, “If you spot it, you got it”. That is to say we recognize defects of character in others because well, although we can deny it all day long, we too have those traits and have at some level also employed them on others. Here are some thought prompts for dealing with the demanding bossy pants types:
  1. 1) Does this really have anything to do with me personally or is this just standard operating procedure for this person?
  2. 2) Could there be other underlying issues with this person that have nothing to do with me?
  3. 3) Is this person perhaps under some kind of duress or pressure?
  4. 4) I wonder what their boss is like?
  5. 5) Just because this person is imposing or abrupt and bossy I don’t wish to absorb their anxiety or ruin my buzz over them.
  6. 6) I could fight or bail but what is the skillful reply?
It is difficult to respond calmly when someone is intense, accusatory or defaming. This is why it’s important to have objective responses always ready for these situations. It shows you are unflustered, all business and not going to get sucked in. Here are some examples of responses that are diffusive and non-antagonistic:
  1. 1) I hear you.
  2. 2) You bet.
  3. 3) What’s your ideal time frame on this?
  4. 4) Sure. Anything else?
  5. 5) Let me come up with a plan and i’ll get back to you ASAP
It’s really that simple. This doesn't mean that you are going to comply with the aggressive demands of someone who really has not asked you in a respectful manner but it’s all about not getting sucked in. It’s the path of least resistance. The “law of non-resistance” appears once again in our narrative. You can always circle back later if the situation requires further resolution. Now take a moment to jot down a few of your classic responses that never seem to work out, yet you keep using them, such as:
  1. 1) Wow! Who died and made you Madonna?
  2. 2) Okay Mr/Ms Bossy pants. I’ll drop what I’m doing and get right on that.
  3. 3) Rude tude dude.
  4. 4) You’re freakishly confrontational and scary.
  5. 5) Chill. Take it down 9 notches.
If your responses aren’t working, make an adjustment, think of new ones and write them down in your journal. Most us us have to get our diggs in. People push our buttons and offend us and we find their buttons to push back. It might feel natural, seem funny and dismissive at first but it usually just does the opposite, it acts to escalate. We throw a pebble and they throw a rock and the responses escalate until someone gets seriously hurt. While it’s often easier to form opinions about others than it is to take a closer look at ourselves, practicing empathy, truly taking a moment to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes is the key to accepting others and not constantly competing with them. Of the 6 thought prompts above notice that the first 4 involve compassion in formulating and appropriate response. I live in Los Angeles. Drivers here can really work my every nerve... if I allow it. For my sanity, I had to come up with a process of compassion for dealing with it. It goes like this:
  1. 1) Maybe they have to pee really bad.
  2. 2) Maybe they are speeding to the hospital.
  3. 3) Maybe they are at a really bad place in their life.
We will never be able to fully understand or improve the behavior of others to meet our often unreasonable expectations. However, how we respond to challenging people and circumstances is key to our development.